Matthew Loserface

At school

In a ninth grade classroom a bunch of kids sit at their desks conversing and giggling and laughing and talking while their teacher sleeps at the desk in the front of the room.

What a quiet, stupid kid, that LOSERFACE!

It is a math classroom. There are posters on the wall showing beginner algebraic equations. There are pencils and erasers and open notebooks on the desks of some of the children. There are bookbags on the floor next to most of their desks, some carry tote bags, one of which is rainbow and has cute butterflies on it.

Yeah! So stupid and so annoying.

The popular girls huddle in a corner applying glossy bright pink lipstick and some of the most academic types sit near the front of the room annoyed that the teacher is not awake, they want to learn.


SHUT UP MATTHEW LOSERFACE. You’re stupid AND annoying! No one likes you.

Matthew Loserface is a shy boy who looks perfectly normal and is a perfectly nice kid. Matthew Loserface has a sister. Matthew Loserface lives five minutes from school. Matthew Loserface walks to school every day.

I’m going to leave now.

YEAH, you should Matthew Loserface.

Matthew Loserface walks back to his house

At the mall with Mrs. Loserface

How was school today Mr. Matthew?

That’s Mr. Loserface to you!

Nope! That’s your dad silly goose! You’re such a cutie! Kisses!

MOMM!!!! Stop it.

Stop what? My love for you cutie patootie? I can’t stop this fever, it’s already gotten me. Don’t you like it?


Nope! Love is not something to be ashamed of!


Back at home

Matthew Loserface stands in the kitchen. He is making a bowl of cereal. His dad sits at the wooden kitchen table wearing tall black socks and blue boxers along with a white undershirt. His dad has just come home from a long day at work. His dad eats a bowl of cereal which Matthew just prepared for him. His sister and mom are out picking up some prescriptions. Matthew mixes every type of cereal and milk possible, both vegan and not, and drinks it down in one gulp before exclaiming:

Dad I have a new boyfriend!

No you don’t!

Yes DAD, I do! His name is Jack Supersportsplayer!

Ha! You wish!

No Dad! Ughhhhhh. I’m super serious. We’re totally in complete love. Yay. It’s so amazing. I haven’t felt this before.

I don’t believe you silly! You’re such a silly goose!

Shut up Dad, you are! I love him. I love Jack Supersportsplayer!

You’ve only seen him on screen.

At school

Why is Matthew Loserface so happy?

Yeah, Matthew Loserface should not be happy! He’s a loserface! Such a loserface!

Matthew Loserface, why are you happy?

Matthew Loserface sits at his desk with a huge grin on his face. He’s resting his head in his arms and little blue birds are flying around his head and chirping the most beautiful songs, and there are bright pink hearts floating in his eye. He is daydreaming.

I am in love.

Matthew Loserface thinks of the man he loves. Matthew Loserface thinks of Jack Supersportsplayer. Matthew Loserface sees them running away together hopping along a dirt road beautifully lined by vibrant flowers and surrounded by a perfect, bouncy, fluffy cloud. Matthew Loserface occasionally looks over to Jack Supersportsplayer and smiles widely. Jack Supersportsplayer occasionally looks over to Matthew Loserface and smiles even more widely. Jack Supersportsplayer grins at Matthew Loserface and Matthew Loserface leans in and Matthew Loserface and Jack Supersportsplayer kiss while hopping off over the horizon.

HAHAHA. YOU HEAR THAT MATT STUPIDHEAD! Matthew Loserface is in LOVE. L-O-V-E. Isn’t that right Loserface!?

Yeah, that’s right Ben Bullymeanieperson! I am in LOVE. L-O-V-E. SO IN LOVE. You’re just jealous Bullymeanieperson! You wish you were in love. You wish you had what I had! You hear that everyone? You hear that? Bullymeanieperson is so sad and dejected and just wants love but no one loves him! Awwwwww.

Popular girls huddling in the corner applying glossy bright pink lipstick look over and giggle. They quickly tire of what’s going on. The teacher is still asleep. Some kids are drawing smiley faces on his face. Bullymeanieperson starts crying.

Matthew Loserface! You are so mean!

Bullymeanieperson runs out of the room crying.

Dinner in the Loserface house

Mom, dad, I have to tell you something. I am in love. Matthew Loserface is in love.

Eat your food Mr. Inlove.

Ok. Mrs. Loserface. I will.

In Math Class

I’m sorry Ben Bullymeanieperson. I’m sorry that I was a Bullymeanieperson to you.

It’s okay Loserface. I forgive you. Ha. HA! Loserface! You are so stupid! Loserface! You are still a loser!

I’ll always be a loser. Stupid! It’s my name. N-A-M-E. It’s mine, well, along with mother and father and sister it’s mine. I love it. HEY EVERYONE! I AM A LOSERFACE AND WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT IT.

The teacher wakes up. Matthew Loserface is on his desk screaming out to the classroom.


Ben Bullymeanieperson is the only one looking at Matthew Loserface, everyone else pays no mind. The teacher looks at the board. All the problems are completed. The smart kids at the front of the room giggle to themselves. The smart kids at the front of the room look toward their teacher for validation. The smart kids at the front of the room receive nothing.